I somehow managed to squeeze in an extra errand to stretch out the time a tiny bit more to make it closer to what pick up time will actually be. I was pretty chuffed with my efforts.
I had survived!!!
[Read: Me doing my own 'Rocky - Eye of the Tiger' montage]
When I arrived, the Chicken was SO happy! Not to see me, but happy playing with some toy cars and a car tower thing.
(You know those towers where you place the car on the top of the tower and it winds its way down a track to the bottom.)
I chatted to her one of her carer's who has been so wonderful throughout this whole process. She herself has a 7 month old son at home and he is going to have to start daycare soon as he currently spends the day with gran who has to return to her overseas home. She thinks that my reaction is exactly what hers will be. She has previously thanked me for my honest reactions and emotions as it has helped her face her inevitable - which at the time seemed a bit odd, but on reflection was actually really a beautiful thing.
She gave me a print out of several photos of the Chicken enjoying her first day. (A little keepsake that they do for all new kids.) She told me how much the Chicken fits in, is content and happy and what she did throughout the hours that I sobbed like a baby.
She gave me a print out of several photos of the Chicken enjoying her first day. (A little keepsake that they do for all new kids.) She told me how much the Chicken fits in, is content and happy and what she did throughout the hours that I sobbed like a baby.
It was lovely. So lovely that I burst into tears again! *face palm*
When we finally left, I asked the chicken if she had a good day. This was the response...
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| Clearly the day was awful! |
After dinner and a bath and a very rough time (for me) settling a very happy and excited (overtired) toddler to sleep for the night, I began mentally preparing myself for the day ahead - today...
The good news is that I didn't cry last night. I told myself that all the tears were done and out of my system. Finito!
I lied! BIG TIME!!!!
We got up this morning and did the usual breakfast and getting dressed routine.
I put on a load of washing to give myself a task to do when I got home from drop off (FYI its still in the machine as I thought that my cathartic blogging was priority) and then proceeded to ask if the Chicken was ready to go to school.
She practically handed me the car keys and shoved me out the door!
She practically handed me the car keys and shoved me out the door!
I managed to make it to the parking lot before I entered Waterworks City.
I thought that I'd give it a minute and I'd come good... Which I did, but only until I got to the front door - where I (blubbing) bumped into a friend who is much more practiced at drop offs than me! (Oh to be like that Mum!)
I signed the Chicken over for the day and took her inside her daycare room.
The super cool best toy in the world - the car tower - was like a shiny beacon just inside the door.
Like a moth to a flame the Chicken was drawn to it!
At that point, there was no Mum in the room. I was gone. I had lost her to a toy car tower.
*heart jumps into throat*
Like a moth to a flame the Chicken was drawn to it!
At that point, there was no Mum in the room. I was gone. I had lost her to a toy car tower.
*heart jumps into throat*
I thought that if I could just hand her over quickly, I might make it back to the car before once again releasing the flood gates... I just needed to get the Chicken to a carer - but they were all outside.
I put her bag into her locker and tried to gently pry her from the car tower and down the room to the backdoor. Eventually she twigged on what was going on and raced to the door outside/freedom!!!!
We got outside and.... Gone! Into the playground abyss never to be seen again - or until this afternoon at least! I didn't even get a goodbye!
We got outside and.... Gone! Into the playground abyss never to be seen again - or until this afternoon at least! I didn't even get a goodbye!
*heart jumps, no leaps a little higher from my chest before ripping itself out and onto the floor where the Chicken proceeds to innocently stomp all over it*
After spitting out a few teary words to her carers - one I hadn't met before and another who I had previously spoken with during orientation - who incidentally I almost resorted into tears too - I again scurried out the door and back to the sanctity of the crying dome - the car - to unload like a burst water main.
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| Doesn't look too bad right?!?!?! |
In saying that, drop off wasn't as emotionally bad as yesterday. Marginally...
I made it home after taking the scenic route to sob and of course I walk in the door and everywhere I look is reminders of the Chicken which starts me off again.
This got me thinking (dangerous!)... Why does this upset me (and since starting this blog I've discovered most other Mum's as well) so much??? Its not like the child is gone forever, its not like losing a loved one, yet in that moment any onlooker would be excused for thinking otherwise.
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| The chook pen |
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| Aaaaand then we make it home... |
The logical part of my brain tells me that my utter devastation is actually really silly.
For us, daycare - or school as Ive been calling it - is only 2 days/week and the Chicken LOVES going yet at the time, leaving her feels as if it's forever. As if leaving her will result in her being taken from me and that I will never see her again.
I know that this isn't the case. I know that she is having a blast learning and developing important social and life skills and is being excellently cared for, yet I'm left distraught.
My logical brain tells me that this notion is preposterous - yet there it is in all of its painful glory.
For the first 12-18 months of the Chicken's life, I've had this 'is this for real?' type feeling. Utter disbelief. Like someone has given me this most beautiful child to care for and I'm just waiting for them to say that time is up and take her back.
Its a feeling of complete awe at life, yet unnerving. It is beautiful but also gives a crazy anxiety all at the same time. I don't know if all new mums get this feeling or if its just me. I don't know if it lasts as long for everyone either - I just know that this is what I had.
I do know however that it is also somewhat impossible to accurately describe without sounding like a complete nutter - so I'll leave it at that.
If you are an expectant first time mum reading this... just be ready for feelings.
ALL OF THE FEELINGS!!! Feelings that you had no idea were possible! They will also sneak up on you when you aren't looking!
Its a feeling of complete awe at life, yet unnerving. It is beautiful but also gives a crazy anxiety all at the same time. I don't know if all new mums get this feeling or if its just me. I don't know if it lasts as long for everyone either - I just know that this is what I had.
I do know however that it is also somewhat impossible to accurately describe without sounding like a complete nutter - so I'll leave it at that.
If you are an expectant first time mum reading this... just be ready for feelings.
ALL OF THE FEELINGS!!! Feelings that you had no idea were possible! They will also sneak up on you when you aren't looking!
For the first 12 months (the first 6-9 this was a bit extreme) I would sometimes find myself just waiting for someone to take the Chicken. To tell me that there had been a mistake or that I wasn't deserving to be responsible for this child - new first time mummy brain at its finest!
I was so very much in love with this little being that I struggled to believe that I could be so lucky and blessed to have been entrusted with her little life to care for.
I was so very much in love with this little being that I struggled to believe that I could be so lucky and blessed to have been entrusted with her little life to care for.
From 12-18 months (she is 19 months this week) that gradually lessened and perhaps this lead me into a false sense of security and I had talked myself into thinking that no one could ever take her from me. EVER!!!! SHE IS MINE!!!!!! MINE!!!!!
My brain had turned my child into a precious jewel that would be mine to care for forever - Gollum much????
My brain had turned my child into a precious jewel that would be mine to care for forever - Gollum much????
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| Myyyyyy Preciousssssss! |
In finally ridding myself of that pesky feeling of having my child ripped away I had also lost the self preserving knowledge that I could (and at some stage would) be separated from my child for a period of time.
So when it did happen - by going to daycare - the feeling returned with a pick axe and a nasty vengeance.
So when it did happen - by going to daycare - the feeling returned with a pick axe and a nasty vengeance.
Side note: this experience has made my heart ache for all of those families of missing persons. I can only imagine what they must be going through. Much love to those families and I truly hope that your loved ones are returned safe and sound soon.
Motherhood has been an incredible journey for me. I have relished in each and every moment. It has come (surprisingly) naturally and instantly. Like how I'd imagine plugging into 'The Matrix' - should it have been factual.
For someone that never particularly wanted to have children, it has been a really easy journey, which I don't say to brag or boast, but I think that goes a long way to why this separation part is so hard for me. Having it so easy makes for a harder "fall".
They talk about separation anxiety for the child, but they fail to warn you as a mother that it his you square in the guts too! Should you be lucky enough to have a confident little person unaffected by separation anxiety like mine, this also for some reason, makes the sting a little harder to take.
Becoming a mum has for-filled my life in ways that I didn't know needed for-filling so I was not emotionally prepared for any hard times because as the Chicken's mother, I haven't really had any.
They talk about separation anxiety for the child, but they fail to warn you as a mother that it his you square in the guts too! Should you be lucky enough to have a confident little person unaffected by separation anxiety like mine, this also for some reason, makes the sting a little harder to take.
Becoming a mum has for-filled my life in ways that I didn't know needed for-filling so I was not emotionally prepared for any hard times because as the Chicken's mother, I haven't really had any.
Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been all sunshine and roses, there were a few times last year where I was a broken woman, but that was in no way related to mothering the Chicken and it was in fact being the Chicken's mother that got me, and continues to get me through.
Yet I find myself searching for that definitive "Why do I feel this way even though I know my child is having the time of her life?" so I can fix it and turn off the hurt.
The truth is that I don't think that you can ever switch it off.
As a new first time mother, something changes in you when you bring new life into the world.
You become WAY more emotional that you ever thought possible and you look at things differently.
Your former self dissolves into the background and the new super mum/tiger mum/awesome mum (however you want to perceive yourself) shines through.
As the parenting experience is all new, you only have your former self for comparison, which is like comparing apples to oranges so you end up feeling silly for your actions and reactions. Which are all normal and totally fine for a person finding their feet in a new role - yet leave you feeling like a right royal idiot! You often don't know where to turn in the swarm of advice that you are bombarded with on a daily basis and find yourself looking inside yourself often making it all seem worse.
When the Chicken was 5 weeks old I was thrust into a Mothers Group with a bunch of other new mums all in the same bleary eyed sleep deprived state. It was in this group that I have met some of the most inspiring women. I can not thank these women enough for the support shown to myself and to the group. No matter what is going on, I know that these women are there for me (and I them) and always have an ear or a shoulder to cry on should it be needed - or just to talk out some ideas. Through the experience, we have become a collection of incredible and invaluable rocks for each other.
I know that not all Mothers Group experiences are this great though. I was one of the lucky ones. Extremely lucky.
When the Chicken was 5 weeks old I was thrust into a Mothers Group with a bunch of other new mums all in the same bleary eyed sleep deprived state. It was in this group that I have met some of the most inspiring women. I can not thank these women enough for the support shown to myself and to the group. No matter what is going on, I know that these women are there for me (and I them) and always have an ear or a shoulder to cry on should it be needed - or just to talk out some ideas. Through the experience, we have become a collection of incredible and invaluable rocks for each other.
I know that not all Mothers Group experiences are this great though. I was one of the lucky ones. Extremely lucky.
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I know that each stage of parenthood is going to throw me curve balls that will return me to Waterworks City as a wet blubbering resident, but through my heartbreak, I need to remind myself that I have given birth to a person - not a jewel.
A person that has thoughts, ideas and feelings - just like me.
That as a mother I am here to protect my child and to educate and guide her through her young life until she is ready to fly on her own. When this day comes, I know that I will have succeeded in my "job" as a parent.
The kicker is, that this day will be here before I know it...
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